I strolled right up to the check in counter and proclaimed with all my excitement-- "My water broke! I'm in labor". To my dismay, the nurse looked at me with a blank stare and simply asked if I had been there before and what my name was. I was so disappointed that he was not as excited for me as I was. Oh well, I was not letting him bring me down! We checked in and this is where things started going sour for me.
Another nurse told me to walk through the double doors into triage and that my "guests" had to stay out in the lobby. I was shocked! Here is how our conversation went.
Kristina: Can I bring at least one of them with me?
Nurse: No
K: What?Why? This is the baby's dad and my labor coach. I NEED at least one of them with me.
N: They can both come in when we have your L & D room ready
K: How long will I be in triage without them
N: However long it takes me to run some tests. Maybe a half hour or so.
K:WHAT? No, I don't like this. I want someone with me. I don't want to be alone in that room.
N: Well if I don't get you in there were just wasting more time. Let me get you set up and I will have ONE of them come in the room.
K: Fine
I got my way, but only after the argument. I seriously hate hospitals and our next baby will be born at home one way or another! So the Nasty nurse... I will call her nasty from here on out.... Tells me to disrobe and lie on the bed. At this point my contractions were pretty painful and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was lying flat on my back. It hurt too damn much. So here we go with ANOTHER argument to get my way. (believe me I tried the being nice approach with nasty. It just wasn't working).
K: Can you put the back of the bed up for me? I can't lie flat it is painful
N: (sighs) No. I can't run these test on you while you're upright.
K: What tests? You only have to put the monitor on me and take my temp and blood pressure. I can't sit up for those?
N: I am also doing your vaginal exam.
K: OK, so Can't I sit up until your ready for the vaginal exam? I will lie down during the exam, but I want to be upright the rest of the time.
N: That is not how we do it.
K: Well, I'm not comfortable lying down so I won't.
And I didn't. I sat bolt upright in that bed and she STILL didn't raise the back for me. When it was time for my exam I did lay down and then got right back up (with difficulty and she didn't even offer to help me back up). Then I found the dang button for the bed and raised it myself! This is where I demanded that Dave be allowed in. I had to sit there for a half hour on the monitor anyway and was so angry that I needed him to keep me on track. She finally agreed and he was let in, but poor Danielle was stuck in the lobby. ( I later heard from another nurse that she was pacing back and forth. Such a good doula, worried about her client.)
She let us know that I was 5cm dilated. Not as far as I thought I would be considering my contractions were 3 minutes apart when we left home. But, none the less, I was half way to meeting my baby and excited.
Changing Scenery
It was finally time to move to the labor and delivery room and bid farewell to NASTY! We finally reconnected with Danielle and were all escorted (me in a wheelchair) to the new room. This was probably the best part of the hospital! The room was very large with plenty of room for me to stand or walk. It also had a bathroom with a shower and a bench area for napping dads. Once settled in, the nurse came in and congratulated me (now thats how it should be!). She let me know that all nurses at the desk had my birth plan and they would do whatever they could to help me achieve my goals. What a breath of fresh air for me!
The nurses kept true to their promise. My birth plan had requested that I not have an IV so that I can remain mobile with ease. As a compromise, and in case of an emergency, I had a heparin lock attached instead. In case you don't know the medical term, a heparin lock is that piece that they insert in your arm to attach the IV. The only difference is that I didn't have the whole thing attached with pole, tubes, and bags. I only had the "attachment" piece (for lack of a better word).
I had also requested that I not have the fetal monitor on the whole time. Again for ease of movement and also so I wasn't fixated with the machine instead of concentrating on labor. I agreed to have them monitor for 20 minutes and be "free" for 40 minutes each hour. They were very kind to not only agree, but to use the monitor that does not strap around you with that itchy uncomfy belt! Every 40 minutes the nurse would come in and sit down with me and hold the monitor in place so that I could be comfortable.
Getting Intense
The next 20 something hours a pretty much a blur. Lots of laboring, changing of positions, trying to shower, keeping hydrated and hoping that things were progressing. It just seemed like it was going no where, but I kept powering on. I can't even tell you what time it happened, but somewhere toward the middle of the day (after I had already been laboring more than 24 hours) I had began to have excruciating lower back pain. Danielle and I discussed that it may be the baby having a hard time getting into position. We tried all the techniques to get this back pain to subside, but to no avail. I was EXTREMELY exhausted and beginning to lose strength. In fact, some of these contractions had begun to buckle my knees. I was at the point where I could have fallen down.
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| Mid- Contraction. Right before they started getting REALLY tough |
This is when I became disappointed and saddened. My brain had started to tell me to take the epidural, but my heart kept telling me not to. I went back and forth in my head for a few hours trying my best to rock through the pain. I asked Dave his opinion and he just shook his head. He said to me, "I know you don't want the meds, but do you think it would help you?" I sighed and said "I don't know if I can make it, I am so tired" He didn't know what to say to me and that is OK because I didn't know what to say either.
I turned to Danielle. She pulled out a book to read me my options in the event that I decided on medication. She told me she couldn't make the decision for me, but gave me the pros and cons. The epidural would give me the chance to close my eyes, get back some energy, and I could turn it off when it was close to the time to push and still have my baby vaginally.
Tough Decisions
When I say I was exhausted, I mean totally wiped. I could barely keep my eyes open, yet I couldn't close them either. I was beginning to lose it and could no longer keep in control during my contractions which was making it difficult to get through them. The back pain was so unbearable that I had tears in my eyes and despite the fact that I had been preaching natural birth for months, I was craving a relief. Would taking the epidural make me less of a woman? Would I be considered a hypocrite? scratch all that... What is best for my baby? The question kept registering in my head. Am I hurting my baby by not being well rested?
Of one thing I was sure, the LAST thing I wanted was a c-section. I wanted to be 100% after the birth so I could give my baby all the attention he needs without needing surgery recovery. I finally came to a decision. My body was BEGGING for a rest. I decided the epidural was the best choice for me at this time.
At first I was so disappointed with myself for breaking my birth plan. Now looking back on my birth even though it was not what I wanted, it was what my BODY wanted. I had labored for around 27-28 hours un-medicated and that was a huge accomplishment. Even the nurse told me she was proud of me. Her words were, "Most women come in barely dilated and are screaming for epidural. You waited as long as you could and really worked through all of your contractions".
As soon as the epidural kicked in I sunk into the bed and closed my eyes. Though I could still feel the pressure of the contractions I could no longer feel the excruciating pain in my back. I could rest and that I did. I fell asleep for a couple of hours, waking only during an intense contraction that gave me no pain, only pressure.
As much as I was loving the missing back pain, I hated it. I was strapped to the bed with IV's, fetal monitors, a cathera, and legs that were so numb it was like they weren't even there. I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to feel my baby and not be able to push. I was reassured that I could lower the dose at any time. I figured that since I was comfortable, I would progress. I had been stuck at 5cm FOREVER!!! Unfortunately, this was not the case. My contractions slowed to 7 minutes apart, back down to 5, back to 7, sometimes it was even at 10. Again, the disappointment began to creep into my thoughts.
The whole time I was in the hospital, I kept dancing around the fact that my water had broken so early in the morning. I didn't want them to pressure me into a c-section because it had gone over 24 hours. Once it got to around 30+ hours I was starting to weigh out my options yet again. I was no longer leaking water. This could mean 2 things- my water levels were low OR his head is plugging the cervix so no water could get out. Also, my contractions were STILL not progressing. We tried everything we could to get my labor moving and nothing seemed to work. I asked the nurse to check my progress again and to my horror, after 30+ hours of labor I was STILL only at a 5. It could still be a very long time and I hadn't progressed at ALL since entering the hospital 17 hours earlier.
Somewhere around this time Danielle had brought up the fact that she was nearing her 24 hour mark. Most doulas will suggest a change in birth support after 24 hours for the simple fact that no one is at 100% after that long & HEY doulas have children too! Luckily Danielle knew someone who would be willing to come down on short notice to assist Dave and I through the rest of my labor and delivery. Monica was to be my THIRD doula for this birth!
Realizing that I was not progressing and my contractions were still all over the place, Dave, Danielle and I discussed my options. We could wait it out with a BIG chance they would be sending me in for a c-section. OR I could take the Pitocin which would definitely get the contractions moving along, but I could still risk the chance of going into a c-section if baby's heart rate dropped. With the first option, it was a definite that they would be sending me into c-section, especially when my OB who hated my birth plan figured out how early my water had broken. With the second option, I was more likely to have my chance of having the vaginal birth so long as the epidural was lowered or no longer working. Again a tough decision was made. One that again knocked me down my ladder. I decided taking the Pitocin was the best of the two choices at this time.
OOOOOOKkkKKkk!
The "Pit" started working pretty quickly. Since I had gotten the epidural earlier, it was not painful, but I could definitely feel it. My contractions started coming closer together and at longer intervals within the hour. The entire time we were watching the monitor screen to count the contractions and to watch babies heart rate. That little stinker had a more stable heart rate with the Pit than without it. Again, as much as I despise admitting this, my body needed it. It was helping my baby get into position so that he would be ready to meet his mama.
"OH MY GOD" I remember screaming. Out of nowhere transition crept up on me. I knew this was it because I started trembling and sweating. The contractions were pummeling me through the epidural and I realized it was wearing off. "I NEED MORE DRUGS" I also screamed, but at this point it was too late. If I wanted to be able to FEEL enough to push that baby out I had to power through this phase. I had Dave to my left and Danielle to my right, both helping me in their own way, but I'll be honest I was OUT OF IT! I wanted to give up. Dave's words of wisdom- "Are you serious? You made it this far and you're doing so well. You're not getting a C-section. You can make it through." My reaction- "uuuhhhhh , ooooo,, ahhhh. OOOoookkkkk"
I feel like I need to poop
I felt like transition would never end. Like I would forever be in this loop of contractions beating down on my uterus, but I took each contraction one at a time. Breathing through each one and thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel. Danielle read to me softly from a book of relaxation and Dave stroked my head.
At one point I felt like I needed to use the restroom. I desperately wanted to get out of bed and sit on that toilet. I didn't care if the baby started to crown while on it. I just felt like that is were I needed to be. I asked the nurse and she said No because I had taken the epidural (even though I felt like it was worn off). I was not allowed out of bed. I BEGGED and she looked at me cross eyed. "You want to give birth on the toilet?" she said. I shook my head. I told the nurse I would be fine. I could move my toes and my legs and I had Dave and Danielle there to help me. She till said No.
I got upset and had tears in my eyes... then another contraction came and I forgot all about it. After the contraction subsided, I asked Danielle. "What does it feel like when you need to push" she said major pressure on your behind. I said "I feel like I need to poop". She said, "That is about right" With the next contraction I knew it was time to push....
Ready, Set, PUSH!
By this point I was desperately wanting to push. It hadn't been too long since I started the Pitocin so we wanted to be sure I was actually ready to push so as to not start too early. We called in the nurse and she gave me another exam. "Yup", she said, "You're at 10cm. Time to meet your baby". I was so excited I can't even describe it. With the next contraction I was going to push. I wanted to get some pushes in before the Doctor came.
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| 10cm- Ready to push! |
"I'm ready", I proclaimed to Dave and Danielle. I attempted to hold up my own legs and with chin to chest started to push... or so I thought. I honestly couldn't tell if I was doing it correctly so I had the nurse check. She pretty much yelled at me (in a good way to get me doing my job!) that I needed to push like I was having a bowel movement and get that baby out. She tried some scare tactics with me which actually worked. She said "the Doctor is on his way and you need to push hard. If you don't get this baby out quick he will bring you to surgery".
That scared the crap out of me so I started to push with all my might for as long as I could each contraction. As the contraction began I let my birth team know I was going to push. They helped me hold my legs up, I took a deep breath, and pushed as long as I could hold my breath.Then if the contraction was still lasting, I repeated the process. In between contractions was about 2 minutes, but it felt like 2 seconds! I tried desperately to regain my composure but every time I thought I was about to get a rest, it was time to push again. I "practice" pushed ( I call it practice because I was still taking a break here and here) for about 15 minutes while the nurses set up my bed for delivery and we waited for the Doctor to arrive. The nurse let me know he was on his way and also told me that I better be ready to get down to business!
By the way, Danielle was supposed to be leaving by this point. Monica had shown up and made her way to the top of the bed to greet me. She was there for my practice pushes and was a great help with keeping me calm while Dave held one leg and Danielle held the other. We were so close to having the baby that Danielle just couldn't leave! I mean, she spent 24 hours with us to leave just as baby is being born? I think not! We are so glad she stayed to meet our little guy!
When the Doctor showed up I had already started crowning! I was in the home stretch and so ready to meet my baby. Things did start to get even more hectic at this point though. When he came in the room, the first thing he said to me was that he was going to administer a local anesthetic. I asked him why and he told me he needed to do it for the episiotomy. Now, on my birth plan I had stated that I did NOT want to be cut. I preferred to tear if my body needed to.
I knew that getting cut would mean that the "wound" would be tight and uncomfortable when healing. To tear, in my opinion, would be less painful during healing. Doc's initial reaction was to get angry with me. He said "I will NOT let you tear. You could get 4th degree tear ( a fissure) that could send you straight to surgery". I told him I had been preparing for the birth by doing kegel exercises and stretches for my perineum to prevent a big tear if any at all. He was not confident in my body and I was starting to lose confidence because of the stress of being lectured while my baby is being born.
I just wanted to meet my baby. I wanted it so much that I ALMOST consented. Luckily my birth team stepped in! Danielle reminded me that if I did not want to, I did not have to and Monica agreed. Dave spoke up for me saying "No, she doesn't want to". This angered the Doctor and he got stern with them all. He let them all know that I was the only one he was going to listen to. That I was the only one able to make the decision. Luckily the strength of my support system gave me the empowerment I needed. I let that Doctor know that, despite his wishes, I was not getting the episiotomy! PHEW!
I must admit, I almost gave up yet again through the pushing ordeal. There was a lot of pressure on me from the new nurse on duty. She had been yelling with every contraction "PUSH PUSH PUSH, BEAR DOWN, PUSH, HARDER, HARDER". It was overwhelming and driving me insane. I even yelled at one point "I GIVE UP, I CAN'T PUSH ANYMORE". Again, my support team to the rescue. Danielle told me to scream "I want to meet my baby" the next time I wanted to give up. Monica placed a cool rag on my head and told me I was doing awesome. Dave reassured me that I was doing such a great job. That I was almost there. He even let me know that he could see the baby coming and he had seen a head full of hair.
TMI, I know, but I put my hand down there to feel the baby. This gave me the extra strength I needed for the final 2 pushes! I took my last deep breath and pushed with all my might. I could feel the baby making his entrance and I screamed with the push because of excitement. I took one last breath, pushed, and my baby was here!
I had not an ounce of energy left, but let me tell you, I somehow found the strength to pull my upper body up with no assistance. I just had to see for myself if my baby was a boy or girl and did not want anyone to spoil my surprise! I saw the baby, was immediately in LOVE and proclaimed with the extreme excitement. "IT'S A BOY, IT'S A BOY. GIVE ME MY BABY!" I was over the moon and the Doctor was taking too long to hand me my baby boy.
Dave was able to cut the cord, but almost missed his chance because that dumb Doctor was in such a rush. I massaged my sweet boy too keep him warm and the nurse used the aspirator to clear the fluids. I was literally swatting both nurses hands away because they were annoying me while I was trying to get a good look at my him. "What is his name", someone asked. I don't even remember who because my eyes were fixated on the love of my life. "Sebastian", I announced, "His name is Sebastian".
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| The first time I held my baby boy |
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| Happy Birthday - Sebastian Xavier |
Hind Sight
My number one goal on was to deliver a HEALTHY baby and I did. Sebastian was born a healthy 8lbs 2oz, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and absolutely perfect in every way. I know that this birth didn't go 100% according to my plan, but a lot of things did.
1. I was able to deliver that healthy boy vaginally which was my second most important goal.
2. I made it almost 30 hours with no interventions. I say that is pretty impressive.
3. I was able to breastfeed my baby within minutes of him being born.
Melissa told me many times, "Sometimes, babies have their own plans". Sebastian definitely had his own plan. He was having too much trouble getting himself into the correct position. That is what gave me my back labor and that is what was taking so long. Rather than put myself in a situation where I was too tired to push and ended up in C-section, I did what I was necessary for me to birth him.
It was LONG and it was definitely difficult, but I would do it again in a heart beat. To answer the question that I know will come up after you read this, YES I will attempt to have an unmedicated birth with all of my future children. This baby had other plans, but hopefully with the next baby it goes more smoothly (and shorter!). If it doesn't, I am prepared and won't be as disappointed in myself during the decision making.
I am no longer disappointed, I am grateful to have Sebastian be so happy and healthy. I did it. I had a baby and he is perfect. Now the fun begins, the next adventure... MOTHERHOOD!
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| Our First Family Photo |
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A special thank you to my birth team for helping me to overcome the hurdles during Sebastian's birth.
Dave,
You are my rock. I am so proud to have a son with you. You are strong, supportive, loving, and FUNNY! Your jokes are what kept us all going through the long labor, but your LOVE is what gave me the strength to bring our son into this world. I am excited to start this new chapter of our lives.
Melissa,
Thank you for all that you have taught us. Your constant support throughout pregnancy was exactly what I needed being so far from my family. Thank you for helping me to overcome my disappointment with my birth by always knowing just what to say. It is comforting to know that the decisions I made were the right ones no matter what they were. You have become a great friend to me and I hope to learn more from you still.
Danielle,
I had only met you the night before Sebastian was born, but I feel like I've known you a a lifetime. I can't thank you enough for all that you did to help me get through the labor. You were so helpful with keeping me comfortable. I appreciate your help with my tough decisions. You were right there with all the information I needed to make an INFORMED decision. I am so grateful that you stayed with us for so long and found Monica to take your place when you had to leave. Even more glad that you stayed anyway to see Sebastian be born into this world.
Monica,
I know you weren't with us for too long, but thank you so much for sharing our special moment. I didn't get a chance to get to know you, but I can tell that you rock! You were such a big help with moving us into our recovery room stress free and I seriously can't thank you enough for going to get us burgers afterward!!
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| Sebastian with mommy- only a few hours old |
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| The photo that announced my arrival to the world =) |
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| <3 |
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